Happy Pills

I don’t get it anymore.
I just need to get some things out here that drive me insane. Every time I mention Wayne’s name on here is starts some drama, he always takes things the wrong way and it usually turns into an explosion. He printed off a few of my old blog entries from back in the day when I had the original Stevanilla 360 page that got deleted because I pissed off the Mormons running Yahoo. At the time it was 2005 or 2006 and re-reading the entries make me realize that not much has changed. Of course we are not as “romantic” as we used to be back when we first started dating, that just comes with the maturity of a relationship, you loose the endorphin rush of affection over time, and that is to be expected. In the early days of the relationship we argued a lot which was something I wasn’t used to and didn’t do that much in my former relationship. I somewhat liked the fact that we stirred a passion with one another and sometimes that would lead to some heated conversations. We used to spend a lot of time together, but somewhere down the line that has become less and less occurring. I mean we spend time together, but not quality time as much as we used to. Now days I feel that since I am not in computer graphics I can’t compete for his attention. He spends night and day sitting at his computer like a scene from the movie Videodrone. The house could really be falling off the side of the mountain and I don’t think he would notice until the internet cord slipped from the back of his server. I have discussed it with him before, many times, sometimes in argument but luckily one night the power went out and we sat on the couch and discussed it rationally. Since that night he has been a little more attentive with the house work and things of that nature but still I find myself feeling murderously frustrated at the amount of time he spends on-line playing the same games over and over again like a teen-ager. No matter how tired I am when I come home from work I typically have to go to the grocery store after work, buy dinner. Come home, cook it, clean up after us, pick up after him, do the laundry, play with the dog, clean up after her and maybe by 2:20 am I get time to sit down. All the while he has usually been sitting at his computer showing no sign of appreciation or even recognition. He has been good as of late, he vacuumed, he has done laundry, he actually seems to have been disappointed a few times when he found out I was working when he was off. We are at a point where we are not arguing as much. But for example just tonight, after he made a really great dinner, I washed up afterwards, he had dropped tea bags into a pot of boiling hot water and forgot it on the stove. When I looked to see where he was I wasn’t surprised to find that he was sitting at his desk typing away to some random stranger probably in Iceland doing some tech support for a game that he plays. I understand that when you are good at something you enjoy you can become obsessive and I am definitely an obsessive person. If I like a singer, or an album I will listen to it over and over for months before dropping it. I am capricious with my hobbies, one month its tarot, one month its food, one month it’s making soap or bath shit. But I don’t let it consume all of my free time. Left to his own liking, he would probably spend all day and night on the computer and some days when he is off and I am working he does just that. I leave in the afternoon and he’s sitting on his ass at the computer and when I come home he’s wrapped up in a bath robe, hair a mess, pecking away at his computer. It’s like living with a crack addict without the crack. Anyway, I have talked to him about it, showed my ass over it, now I am just over it – over it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him to feel like he shouldn’t do the one thing that he enjoys but at the same time, get out of the house, go see a relative or a friend or something. What the fuck ever. It really doesn’t matter to me, in fact I wish I had probably not written this, and I don’t want to cause drama but am I nuts and selfish for feeling this way, or should I allow myself to be aggravated over this on going issue? I had trouble thinking of something to write about lately because we are under a whole lot of pressure right now. Wayne is about to lose his job, the mortgage company we are taking legal action against, and financially …well we are butt fucked, wait no, fisted by a logger. So maybe things are just on my mind that I try too much not to dwell on. Anyway I can take a deep breath and mumble an improve Buddhist mantra and pretend to be ok about all of the big issues but the sounds of Wayne’s keyboard or a pile of dirty clothes in the corner makes me want to commit homicide. I really think I am losing it people. I need xanax, a straight-jacket and a white padded corner to get into the fetal position in.

~ by stevanilla on March 3, 2009.