HATE
I am writing about something that I haven’t dealt with in a while. Today I couldn’t sleep; I woke up repeatedly worrying that the imaginary power-man was here to cut off the power. I kept hearing phantom knocks at the door and lying in bed wondering if I had paid enough money to the power company to pacify them until I can pay them again. Money wasn’t the only thing running through my head, the stresses of everything else going wrong in my life was doing laps around my peace of mind. Finally frustrated I decided to get up, I knew the sun would soon be up and I hate watching the sun rise. It assures me that I will not be able to sleep. It was six thirty am and I hopped on line to check my e-mail and see if any of my friends were available to chat as they were having their morning coffee, getting ready for work.
I opened my e-mail and saw that I had a few facebook messages and I was excited to see that I had a new message from someone I don’t know on Yahoo 360. The message was from a guy named “Matt.” and I was excited to see a new person checking out my page on the graveyard that is now Yahoo 360. I logged in and put in my password and quickly went to my mailbox on there and sure enough there was a message from him so I excitingly opened it ready to make a new friend. My excitement was a mere distraction from the stressful thoughts running through my head but my excitement was soon to come to a crashing halt. In front of me were words that I did not want to set the tone for my day and the message simply read: “You’re a faggot and that is sick…I hope you die of AIDS”. I was not nearly as shocked or offended because it’s only the nine thousandth time that I have received a message like that. His attempt at hate was neither original nor interesting and I decided at that point not to respond because I am sure it would fuel a fire. I suddenly realized and was impressed with the fact that it wasn’t affecting me, at least not in the way that “Matt” wanted to and I suddenly began to realize that I have de-sensitized myself over the years from that sort of thing. The attempt at hate that I found simply boring made me question myself. I quickly removed myself from my own situation and became offended with myself for being such a door mat. Years ago I would have sent a message back letting Matt know what a nut job he is, but why do him the favor of letting him know he has issues. I have always believed if you truly dislike someone you don’t want to do them any favors or give them any information that they can reflect upon later and better themselves with. Years and thoughts of “school daze” torture came rushing back into my mind, further feeding my insomnia remembering days of sitting on crowded school buses with kids throwing gum in my hair and trying to pull my backpack away from me in hopes of throwing it out the window. Every hate experience I have had the misfortune of knowing. From my cousin Judd running over the doll house his wife gave me with a back-hoe and making me watch, from being ridiculed by family members for liking the color pink to being pushed down stairs in between classes to being grown up and a drunk man yelling out faggot to me as I walked down the street in my hometown. Yes, there has been many an occasion in my life where I have been scarred and I suppose over time the emotional skin has thickened into an armor that maybe now no one can permeate. No, the hate-mail I got did not faze me but it got me to thinking why someone holds so much hate and disgust inside them.
I have thought about this all day despite my efforts to repress my painful memories and thoughts. They have been stabbing my thought process from the darkest recesses of my mind, so I am writing this asking you if you can answer my question; “how can someone hold so much hate inside?” It must be extremely painful to walk each step of your day holding such an emotional burden inside yourself. Insanity, possession, whatever the cause I am certainly glad that I have never held such a demon inside me. I simply do not have an understanding explanation for my own peace of mind….so can you tell me?
I honestly don’t know why people are filled with such hate, but most likely it starts within the family home from a young age. Maybe they think it’s “cool”. I can 100% identify with what you went thru in school; my 14 year old son is now going thru the same thing, and it’s been very hard on us. He has Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism) and I’m not sure how many people at school know that he’s transgendered, so these things put together make him an easy target. We have been fighting literally for years trying to get him a better placement. Usually, if someone calls him a faggot, I will say something like, ‘I’m gay, too; you wanna’ say that to my face?’
XO
But back to your question, I really, honestly don’t have an answer for you. I can’t fathom why someone would have so much anger and hate about that. People like that probably hold onto such fixed beliefs and refuse to be swayed from them. They are so close-minded and little. They probably claim to be Christian, but clearly that’s not the case. Even in public, I will stand up for someone if they are being harrassed ~ I don’t play that shit, and I don’t tolerate it, especially if it’s in front of my kids. I don’t know if we’ll ever have an answer to your question.
A message from my friend Steve – in response to this entry:
The Blog reply that didn’t happen – I decided he didn’t deserve ANY response
I got virtually the same message from the same guy … and it was even a friend request. Not sure what it was all about, but I figured he was just some dork out playing games. I actually looked at his profile to see if it was someone I knew being a poor jokester, and I saw his friends list and noticed the friend of a friend on there. Somewhere along the line, he must be watching activities of people through those friend lists or comments on blogs, quick comments, etc. I didn t really laugh it off, but I knew better than to take it too seriously, and didn t want to let it even absorb into my brain before I chose Ignore & Delete. I wasn t about to give him any satisfaction by responding because he would have seen that as succeeding in making an issue for me when he really didn t.
As to what causes someone to act like this, I don t know. Like you, I ve had my own share of hate directed toward me. Growing up in a small town in a remote redneck area, there was a lot of ignorance. Truly, I didn t know a single out person when I was living there. Yeah, I knew a couple other closet cases like me, and lots of rumors of suspected gays (the lady PE teachers, the Chorus teacher, etc.), but when there s not a single positive out gay person in a community it s hard to overcome those ignorances. The stereotypes and hatred just continue to live on. I didn t feel it was my place nor did I have a need to be the one to change that.
As for someone living the hatred behind an online persona, it does make me wonder what they think they re accomplishing. I care what people think about me – I want them to think I m a good person with a kind heart and a good soul and hope that forms some sort of bond of friendship. But when it s some anonymous hate spewing online coward hiding behind a mask, I DON T care. So if he thought he was going to make me cry or live in fear that his curse of dying from AIDS would actually take hold, he didn t accomplish a thing.
Okay…I’ve been sitting online, running through my pages, looking for a friend of a friend who may be doing this to you. What sense does that make? Absolutely none! Of course, I had to go through half the danged list, before I realized that. Yeah, yeah…I know I’m slow.
Anyhow, my thoughts on the why are many. First thing I thought was…this person is responding to some experience from childhood that either had something to do with ignorance and intolerance. Then I thought that possibly he’s a bully, plain and simple, acting out the treatment they’ve received from other bullies. I’m not satisfied with those reasons because it places this person in the spot of being a victim somehow and therefore, calls for understanding on our part. Now how is that fair? Well, I say it ain’t!
I’m reminded of some situations in my childhood where I was bullied also. Not physically, but mentally. I think it affects me to this day. Adults would say to me, “They don’t know any better.” or “Sometimes people need to diminish your worth to make themselves feel secure. Try to understand them and be kind. They’d like to be your friend and don’t know how.” I say…”I don’t give a flip! I want them flogged!!!”
What I needed to understand was some of these people have no agenda other than having fun being in, what they see, a position of power over others. There’s no history of ignorance..no poor treatment of them by others that they must channel to you..no political or cultural agenda. They don’t necessarily hate you…they just think nothing of harrassing people to cure boredom. In this case, I’d like to ask What schmuck sits around going from page to page to find a target for this mess? Why do they give a damn what you do and what makes them think you would be shuttering with fear of the bullshit they’re saying? I mean, who does that and do why do we have to care about what is going on in their heads?
I personally have gotten to the point that I’m tired of trying to explain things to people. This week I got so tired that I deleted someone because of conversation they were engaging in about ethnic issues. On that day, I decided I don’t feel the need to engage, and instruct on matters of tolerance. I admire Dr. King…but I ain’t him and I’m tired of being expected to walk on eggshells for others who, by the way, I think know the hate speech they spew is false. They know in their hearts and minds that they are wrong…they simply have the desire to hate. It makes it easier for them. There is a comfort in carrying hatred and bigotry…one becomes drunk with it and has to skip around on 360 and sites like it to get that next hit because jerking off doesn’t do it for them any longer.
Pathetic hypes…forget about them. Never look back as you walk away from fools. There is no logic in their behavior, many times, and you’ve got more important stuff to handle. One can’t reason with a brick wall.
Luv you, darlin’. ((hugz)) Maybe someone else has a cooler head and can give you more understanding on the matter. I’ve just gotten too disgusted with all the hate and stupidity so the “why’s” don’t matter to me anymore.
I can not answer the question, but I can do something about it: Ignore adversity. Love from Tats
I gotta concur with our common friend, there is no explanation other than boredom and the feeling of superiority. People who do that are no victims, they’re simply bored and get a kick out of harrassing people. I have come across a few of those, admittedly their hatred was seldom directed at me, but at friends of mine, and even though more than once I would jump in on a rhethoric battle with them, it didn’t accomplish anything. Momentarily I would feel good and morally superior because I had the better, the RIGHT points. But then I’d step away and realize that whomever I battled with just will turn away and say “What a crazy bitch! What a bunch of hot air!” and will not have learned anything. People like Matt don’t want to hear anything, they just wanna shout. Those are the people who mentally stick their fingers in their ears and sing “lalalalalala” to everything you could possibly have to say to them.
Is it sad? Yes! Is it frustrating? Absolutely! But there is no way of changing them, and all you can hope for is that they don’t breed and pass on their hatred.
I sure hope you can walk away from the Matts of this world without too much further damage, and instead be happy about everyone who isn’t like him and who is just fine with who and how you are
Steve I can relate to some of your anixety and feelings. My electric well lets not go there,,lol,,,I did not have as much ill treatment as you did in childhood, I reakky did not wear or like pink,,,,lololo,,,but I knew in my ADD mind I was Gay/ queer.But thanks to not letting the crazy thoughts that bombarded my mind..controle my actions…I survived. No one knew I was gay,,and I grew up in applacha, The only “Queer” I thought I knew then was thehusband of n first grade teacher. Well I always wondered why she married him..I did not know about Bi/sex. Wellon I realized my Sunday school teacher was also gay. When I came to the city I meant him in a gay bar. lol also fround out my first grde teacher molested my younger sister. So I guess they both had real issues. Steve I find a lot of closet dudes hate and lust at the same time,,,You are probably bein attecked by someone who feels guilty and hate for himself.You did the right thing not reacting..hewas trying top pull your trings. Anytime you need to chat…add yourself to my instant messanger…I am here. I know I will always remember you was their and felt my pain when I lst Johnny in April this year…That was very trumatic for me..still is very hard..cause we were tight. Hope you are feeling better ..I was thinking this m..it is nice having yaho 360 to tell he world our feelings and reach out to others. Matt has caused others problems.I have not run on too him. I hope Yahoo is aware of his crazyness..YTou knw I work at the Ste mentl insitution..and i sm an ex FUNNYMENTALIST…lol So I have delt with it all. I love you Steve..You ou have a heart…but you got to tune down the pink…lolo,,go with black..I am having a hard time reading you words….Hey I do care..you keep in contact. You can get on my Msn Instant messenger if you want,,cause I be weathering the storms Too..up wee hours. Just have your BB cap on. you see how I delt with my sex guilt..I transferred it to an inanaminate object..no sin jacking off looking at a BB cap…lol..called transference. I is like kicking your cat when you are mad at the world. I never kick my cat..but Isure dos yesll at him. Connect if you have ime.I fear 360 may go…I hug and lustifully love you. Tuck.Ps I can not read my writing..plese forgive my spelling. I do Want To Chat with you…hey….”MADAM SECRATARY OF STATE>>>lolo
Nilla, this is a very compelling read. Firstly, I’m sorry you got that gross message from someone here on 360. You know, it’s one thing to not have a preference or liking to one thing or another but to go out of ones way to express sheer hatred to another person is really hard to comprehend.
I know that hatred and savorying it can only consume someone to no end. And if you ask me, I think harboring hatred epitomizes absolute misery.
Nilla, I’m glad you took the high road and didn’t reply back to that message; That pathetic person wanted a reaction from you and you did the right thing by not justifying a response.
And speaking of chat, one day we outta have a morning coffee chat and gossip about all things juicy. Meantime, take care Nilla and again, thanx for writing this excellent read! Hugs Dammit!
YOU’RE GAY AND I THINK THAT’S GREAT…….. I HOPE YOU LIVE A GREAT LIFE.
So there. Since everything else has been said above/below, that’ll have to suffice. And you can ALWAYS IM me, I’m online 90% of the day, even if it says I’m offline, I tend to choose taht because of some guy that wants to hook up with me that I just avoid. So yeah, I am too fresh from sleep to write a good reply but I think youre great and it’s great you don’t take it personally because whoever wrote that chose you at random I can pretty much guarantee.
kiss.
YOU’RE GAY AND I THINK THAT’S GREAT…….. I HOPE YOU LIVE A GREAT LIFE.
So there. Since everything else has been said above/below, that’ll have to suffice. And you can ALWAYS IM me, I’m online 90% of the day, even if it says I’m offline, I tend to choose taht because of some guy that wants to hook up with me that I just avoid. So yeah, I am too fresh from sleep to write a good reply but I think youre great and it’s great you don’t take it personally because whoever wrote that chose you at random I can pretty much guarantee.
kiss.